Pants are carnivorous. So many people worry about fitting into their pants when they should really be concerned about being consumed by them. The thing is, however, you don’t actually feel the pain of your pants slowly eating you. Their fabric introduces a numbing agent with mild hallucinogenic properties. You know that warm, comforting feeling you get when you put on a pair of pants straight from the dryer? That’s your pants chemically reassuring you that it’s OK for you to be devoured. The good news is that the digestive systems of most varieties of pants works so slowly that you probably won’t be consumed whole in your lifetime. Probably.
Of course, going without pants is equally dangerous. They’re the only thing keeping the ravenous appetite of your shirt at bay.
